Hello, community!
I've been on Elten for several years now, and during this time, I've talked with many people. Most of these conversations were public, and with some, I had private message exchanges.
And yes, I understand very well that some of you see me as a toxic and aggressive young guy who always reacts to everything, comments on everything, trolls everybody, tries to start drama out of nothing, and criticizes everything he sees online.
Now I realize that this was true, and it definitely wasn't good at all.
So, with this post, I want to apologize to all those who were hurt or felt uncomfortable because of my past behavior.
I still think that some people here behaved strangely or even badly, in my opinion. But now I wouldn't write about that, I wouldn't bother them, or say something negative about them publicly.
Anyway, if your grammar is bad, that's your problem, and I shouldn't be the one to criticize you for it.
If you do something else, it's not my job to point out your misbehavior.
Why did I do all of this?
Good question, and maybe you don't care, but I'll tell you anyway, just in case you're interested.
There were two reasons, as I see it.
The first one is depression. Recently, I visited a doctor and got an official diagnosis stating that I have a mild form of depression. They gave me recommendations, and now I take medication every day to improve the situation. And yes, it's working well.
The second reason, which is probably somewhat connected to the first, is that for several years, I was in very close contact with toxic people.
You know, the kind of people who can find negativity in everything around them: in the games they play, in the music they listen to, in the people around them... just in everything.
You know, those typical phrases that start with, "Yes, it's cool, but excuse me, this is bad, and that is bad, and also this is bad."
I won't say more here to avoid starting yet another drama. This was just to explain what I mean and to let you know that I'm no longer under that influence.
So, I'm sorry again for my past behavior, and best regards!

p.s. I wasn't sure about where to post this thread, so, administrators, move it to an appropriate place, please.

Says sorry but the political status is still there in base64. :)

I for my part never have seen you behaving inapropriately - that's different as for other posters in this thread ;). Any way good luck in your recovery.

Rudolf, decode the base64 code in his signature and status, it'll lead you to all the archived topics in which he said a lot of things. And I agreed with him anyway, we generally share a lot in common in terms of political views, I also don't take my words back, I'm not innocent either. But if you say sorry, at least care about yourself and do it discretely.
Almost noone knows but in december, I logged in to elten and wrote a letter to whom I owe an apology. I wrote all of them personally, silently. Since then we have talked with many of these people and maybe they couldn't forgive me entirely, but we have no conflicts now.
I felt like doing so, because I wanted to apologize to those, who I hurt personally. Or at least I think I did so. A public apology is the beginning of a new drama in which you'll hurt people again. It's a loop. Unfortunatelly, I'm talking from experience. Those, who really matter in your life, know what you are going through and either forgive, or don't, that's up to them. You can tell anything to the public, it's up to them if they believe what you're saying.

Oh, sorry again!
Just forgot about it.
Thank you for mentioning this. Will change soon.
-- (ArcticMoon):
Says sorry but the political status is still there in base64. :)

--

Yeah, I've just realised it and was like okay everything forgiven but wtf, the code is still there. I'm not saying I disagree with it because I share your views, but yeah.

-- (cyrmax):
Oh, sorry again!
Just forgot about it.
Thank you for mentioning this. Will change soon.
-- (ArcticMoon):
Says sorry but the political status is still there in base64. :)

--

--

Apparently the stupid political status has not changed here, while Pajper carries around a singature that literally expresses his feelings and is not decoded, Cyrmax gets yelled at for having a base64 encoded message that expresses his believings. I do not want to look at particularly anyone, but it makes no sense if that was what you meant him to remove (@6). Again, I do not say that I want to target someone specifically for yelling out loud and that is not someone who writes in this thread currently anyway, but...

Yeah that's true. That's why I agree with Cyrmax in general. But he basically didn't do anything wrong in the past, except for expressing his political beliefs and that's all. So he's literally apologizing for a thing he hasn't even changed.
Pajper is also doing this but he has never said sorry either. And it's somewhat worse I think.

I wish you all the best with the depression. And that you will recover soon.

Thank you a lot!
I feel like I've mostly recovered from that. Maybe it's because of meds, but at least it works.

-- (Louisa):
I wish you all the best with the depression. And that you will recover soon.

--

Take your time with the meds, it's easy to feel positive in the first few weeks and months of taking it, thinking that we might not need to take them anymore. Saying it from personal experience, I didn't use mine properly and now thinking about getting back onto them :D
Depression makes us say and do really crazy things which we often regret and don't always understand ourselves.
Anyway I know how it looks and what it does, so just take care of yourself and if you want to apologize to anyone in particular, do it in private man, honestly that's the best way.

Exactly. But the first and most important thing is to apologize to yourself. These last few months I did, a lot of times. Apologized to myself for not caring about me, my goals and needs, apologized for dragging myself in things I shouldn't have had, apologized literally for not being myself. When adrenaline and other feelings control you, it's hard to realize you aren't going in the right way. It's difficult to see through people, to feel their intentions.
It's the hardest to say sorry to yourself when your brain doesn't want to forgive. You decide every single step in your head. Meds just make life better, but not fully enjoyable. Meds don't work on someone instead of the person himself. It's not always other people's fault if something goes wrong. And until someone doesn't accept his own problems and start working on them, meds are going to be just as unhealthy as alcohol or smoking. You'll depend on them instead of facing yourself.

Pills can help partially, but understand yourself and work on self is the biggest thing.

Exactly! You're absolutely right!
And that's why I didn't just purchased some stuff and started to use it but rather went to a doctor, had a long long conversation and now deal with my internal problems more precisely.
Pills just give you enough energy to fix these problems and don't stop at the beginning.

-- (daszekmdn):
Pills can help partially, but understand yourself and work on self is the biggest thing.

--

Yes, I know that. The doctor told me to not stop just because I feel better, I know how this works and I guess I shouldn't stop until I actually fix my internal problems.
And about apologizing publicly or privately, I understand that maybe it would be better to do it not on the forum.
But the problem is that my memory suffered too and I actually don't remember already to whom I did something bad here.
I even don't remember what exactly I did past week... It scaries me, honestly. But it is just another problem to deal with.
Anyways thank you for not being aggressive or toxic and for trying to give advice in very friendly maner.

-- (djsenter):
Take your time with the meds, it's easy to feel positive in the first few weeks and months of taking it, thinking that we might not need to take them anymore. Saying it from personal experience, I didn't use mine properly and now thinking about getting back onto them :D
Depression makes us say and do really crazy things which we often regret and don't always understand ourselves.
Anyway I know how it looks and what it does, so just take care of yourself and if you want to apologize to anyone in particular, do it in private man, honestly that's the best way.

--

Exactly. I fully agree with you.
Someone who takes pills, also should want to work on themselves. If pills don't work, it's not their fault.
As it's been said in my favourite book,
“No one wants to suffer. But yet it is our lot. And some suffer more. Not necessarily by choice. The point is not the bearing of suffering. The point is how it is borne.”

-- (daszekmdn):
Pills can help partially, but understand yourself and work on self is the biggest thing.

--

As faras I remember, you didn't do anything harmful. You expressed your opinion and people didn't like it, that's all. We have all rights to our opinions, those people also do. Some of them chose to react aggressively.
What I did was far worse. I betrayed two awesome people, who chose to work with me even at tough times, because of the opinions of people around me. I just left, without saying a word. These people stopped contacting me, I'm sure they were angry, and didn't want me in their life anymore. And then I realised how much people are able to manipulate feelings of others, to a point when you think it's better to do as they wish because you'll lose them.
And then I wrote those letters. To be honest, I didn't hope for anything. I pressed the send button each time with the feeling of emptiness, with the feeling I'm not even going to get any answers. If I do, that'll be a miracle. I did. From everyone I wrote to.
It's a very warm feeling when you forgive yourself, and after that, others forgive you.
Thinking about my emotional and physical status now, I think I also should take pills. I mean, it's not normal to wish myself dead and to isolate from everyone. But on the other side, I'm very lucky to have friends who never allow me to cause physical harm. As well as I'm very thankful to online friends, who sometimes say some kind words, maybe don't really know what's happening inside of me but they care. They don't show it publicly and they don't attack anyone so everyone would know who's besides me. They are just there, silently protecting with an invisible strong shield.
It's very important to have such people in life. And that's why I'm very thankful to all who forgave me.
There are people here who don't even know what happened, what you have done and whatnot. Or they do, but it didn't affect them by much. When you did the things you now think are harmful, you could have controlled yourself back then. And I could have done so, either. But when I said sorry, all the responsibility was on me, and on noone else. I wrote those lines, I betrayed DjSenter and Daszek, I did harm. Not my depression, not toxic people around me, not the company I was in. Yes, all of these affected my actions, but in the end I was the one doing those things. If you feel the need to say sorry, take all the consequences. Toxic people might have affected the way you behave, but noone has stuck a gun to your head while you wrote your posts.


-- (cyrmax):
Yes, I know that. The doctor told me to not stop just because I feel better, I know how this works and I guess I shouldn't stop until I actually fix my internal problems.
And about apologizing publicly or privately, I understand that maybe it would be better to do it not on the forum.
But the problem is that my memory suffered too and I actually don't remember already to whom I did something bad here.
I even don't remember what exactly I did past week... It scaries me, honestly. But it is just another problem to deal with.
Anyways thank you for not being aggressive or toxic and for trying to give advice in very friendly maner.

-- (djsenter):
Take your time with the meds, it's easy to feel positive in the first few weeks and months of taking it, thinking that we might not need to take them anymore. Saying it from personal experience, I didn't use mine properly and now thinking about getting back onto them :D
Depression makes us say and do really crazy things which we often regret and don't always understand ourselves.
Anyway I know how it looks and what it does, so just take care of yourself and if you want to apologize to anyone in particular, do it in private man, honestly that's the best way.

--

--

About losing the memories unfortunately pills can sometimes exacerbate this

It started a long time before I started to take pills.
As far as I remember (haha) it started maybe 6 or 7 years ago.
Probably it's because of professional sports... You know, a lot of hard work, 6 hours every day in water, bunch of supporting medicine every morning... Ehm, not good for health at all.

-- (daszekmdn):
About losing the memories unfortunately pills can sometimes exacerbate this

--

Also experiencing memory problems, but fortunately it seems to slowly be returning to normal, so for example I will forget something, bu in the next minute or two I'll remember "Oh yes, I have to do this and that."
Therapy is super helpful and is where a lot of the problems and misunderstandings towards ourselves and partially others, can be solved over time.